beammingblue

the recent loss of employment has left me with many feelings of insecurity, uncertainty and all together doubt.i think, tho', as all of this is coming to me on a daily basis, i have thought of other ways to look at it.regardless of what the docs find or decide is the issue here,the real thing that i need to focus on is the fact that for once in my entire time as a mother,i have the whole summer to be with my son,jonny.he is so much a little man, in his preadolescence, that it is really a great time for me to be here, in the position i am,it is almost as if, recently, i feel really lucky.like maybe the career i am meant to have was not what i was doing and just possibly i am needed at home for the time being.it is amazing to me how much one can really take for granted until something rocks their world,then they see it.i wish i would have seen it,but i have no regrets, and that is a great feeling.i feel no guilt over not working right now and i have started to come to terms with the inclination that things happen for a reason and i am determined to do good with this time.take it for me and about my and focus in what it is i have to offer and what it is i have to learn to ask for, right a long with accept.

with the time i have off i have devoted myself to improve physically by losing the fat around my mid-section, tone up my arms(slowly but surely) and, then eventually, improve overall muscle mass.so very important to get this all underway and made a part of my day on a very strict and consitent level.getting injured and stepping back to take a look at how one can really mistreat and take for granted their body and all that is enables us to do has opened my eyes that i owe it to myself and out of respect to my creator to improve on all this.it is in my thoughts so much and i have researched the influence excess wieght has on body and mind---it is tremedous!

here i am, at this point, what seems like, yet again, only this time, it feels right. even tho' i am not at my physical best, it all seems so right on an emotional level.call it acceptance, call it not living in denial, call it what it is...i am uninvolved in any work or college right now and trying to find who and what i am.the unemployed issue used to be a fear of mine,used to be i was afraid of being idle, of not giving to someone or something, that if i stopped i would actually have to face who i was and what i really wanted.i would have to admit that i really have no clue at 34 and have led a life full of fear and anxiety.i would also have to say that i, for once in my life, realize that this is of my own demise.my life, which i used to think was totally supposed to be in control, mapped out, and stuck with a bow has actually had some very significant lessons in it, ones that until recently i have refused to utilize or accept.i spent many years just trying to make it out as so bad, had to have the worst experiences to beat the majority, for in my old beliefs, everyone loves a person with a poor childhood experience, sort of like misery loves company.i know now that i am the one who has done the damage to me,i am the one who has to spill it all on the floor and dig through it,then burn it.one thing that comes to mind as i think of doing that is the things i have to make amends for, mostly to myself, but to others.the focus of my discontent is about to take a big turn and this could get ugly, but at least i am allowing myself to feel it, genuinely and wholly.that in itself, tells me i am on to something here.